Category: Depression

My own research and experiences in facing, treating and living with clinical depression of all types, both personally and in those I love.

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Depression Sucks

Here’s the thing. Depression sucks. Literally. It sucks the joy right out of you. It saps your energy, stifles your motivation and pulls you inexorably down into a spiral of misery and apathy. Guilt, worthlessness and helplessness become your constant companions. It draws away any interest or enjoyment in daily life, making it difficult to concentrate, focus or remember things. Often, you feel frozen, unable to make any decisions, fixated on past events or things that have gone wrong. It even steals your ability to sleep properly, either forcing you into far too much or taking what little you have. Anger, irritability and restlessness drag you down into the abyss, while your body feels the tug of aches and pains, digestive discomforts, headaches and other physical ills. It leeches away any interest in sex or socializing. And when you reach the bottom of that spiral, it may just suck you into suicidal thoughts or actions.

It truly is a monster.

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Why Am I So SAD?

I hate this time of year. I’m irritable and don’t want to do the things I used to love or even leave the house to see the places, people and things I used to enjoy. I want to sleep all the time, and I’m tired and draggy during the day even when I’ve had plenty of rest. And I know that it just gets worse as winter moves in. Honestly, I just want to hibernate like a bear until Spring comes.   

I get SAD. I feel sad. All the time, for no particular reason. I’m depressed and things seem hopeless, with plenty of guilt and self-blame because I SHOULD be going, doing or feeling something other than the gloom, stress and anxiety that seem to overwhelm me.

My appetite has gone crazy, and I crave comfort foods and sweets – all the time. I can be counted on to gain weight between now and spring.

I know I’m not alone. I think a lot more folks experience some degree of SAD than have ever been officially diagnosed, but most have come to think of it as a normal part of the changing seasons – when in reality it is anything but. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not just feeling down. It is a very real mental, physical and emotional condition that can negatively impact your life, health and relationships. So, naturally, I have it. The raging, on steroids, version.

Despite my current miserable mood, I do all the things I’m supposed to. I adjusted my meds after a consult with my psychiatrist. I make a point to exercise – especially when I just don’t feel like it. I force myself to go out to socialize or run errands, even though it’s the very last thing I feel like doing. I go to sleep and get up at a consistent time, no matter how much I want to just stay in bed.

I also get out for walks as often I can during these dreary months. Of course, when it’s raining nonstop, snowing or simply cloudy, that’s not nearly as effective a treatment as I wish. I’m already planning a few fall and winter trips to sunnier, warmer places to offset the effects of this season.

It’s not surprising that I first started to experience SAD when I moved north to Maryland from sunny Florida. Fall and winter used to be my favorite months – until my mother moved us to Maryland when I was 11. That’s when I first experienced clinical depression… a diagnosis I felt for many years was wrong. After all, I had been uprooted from all I knew and loved, taken away from my family, and moved to the armpit of Maryland just at the time I reached puberty. Of course I was unhappy. But, reflecting back, that was my first experience with SAD.

I was raised with plenty of sunshine and warmth all year-round, and my body and psyche simply went into withdrawal when it suddenly disappeared. Later, when I moved back to Florida to live with my dad, I began to suffer from the other type of seasonal affective disorder, summer depression, which affects those who live in warmer climates and have to face the unrelenting, sweltering high heat and humidity. We didn’t have air conditioning and we lived in Florida on the second floor of an apartment building with lots of windows. It was routinely in the 90’s or 100’s through the night. Need I say more?

For now, I know I simply have to buckle up and persevere. I remind myself that I made it through last year, and it WILL get better. It always does. As with all things, this too shall pass. It’s just going to be a lot of lifeless months before it does.

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Coming Up For Air

Surfacing from a depression is not unlike being saved from drowning. Suddenly, you can breathe again. The first few gasps may feel a bit choking, but you can tell that you are finally getting the oxygen you need.

A weight has been lifted from your shoulders, and you can stand and walk tall – when you had been feeling crushed by the effort of simply living. Your senses come alive: a veil is lifted from your eyes and colors seem brighter and objects more distinct; sound has a clarity you have been missing; your senses of taste and smell seem sharper as you realize how dulled they had become. Even touch has a different feel. Depression can make the world around you seem unreal – and sensation less solid.

When depression starts to lift, suddenly you feel alive in a way you had forgotten you could feel.

Face Pressed to Veil

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Circling the Drain

There is a sensation I get when I am starting down that slippery slope to depression. I try to fight it, but there is an inexorable, unceasing sucking feeling that drags me down and down, further and further.

I try to pull myself out of the relentless flow. I take hikes. I exercise and do yoga. I work in the garden. I watch shows that make me laugh. I make myself go out and see friends… and still it pulls at me. 

I call it circling the drain.

Sometimes, I am actually able to keep from going all the way down. Whether it’s the active steps I take or reaching out to my psychiatrist for a prescription tweak – temporary or long-term – sometimes I can divert the depression.

But sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, the drop is simply inevitable, like one of those amusement park rides that are so terrifying and thrilling. What goes up… must come down.

And down I go.

Rush of water circling the drain