I hate this time of year. I’m irritable and don’t want to do the things I used to love or even leave the house to see the places, people and things I used to enjoy. I want to sleep all the time, and I’m tired and draggy during the day even when I’ve had plenty of rest. And I know that it just gets worse as winter moves in. Honestly, I just want to hibernate like a bear until Spring comes.
I get SAD. I feel sad. All the time, for no particular reason. I’m depressed and things seem hopeless, with plenty of guilt and self-blame because I SHOULD be going, doing or feeling something other than the gloom, stress and anxiety that seem to overwhelm me.
My appetite has gone crazy, and I crave comfort foods and sweets – all the time. I can be counted on to gain weight between now and spring.
I know I’m not alone. I think a lot more folks experience some degree of SAD than have ever been officially diagnosed, but most have come to think of it as a normal part of the changing seasons – when in reality it is anything but. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not just feeling down. It is a very real mental, physical and emotional condition that can negatively impact your life, health and relationships. So, naturally, I have it. The raging, on steroids, version.
Despite my current miserable mood, I do all the things I’m supposed to. I adjusted my meds after a consult with my psychiatrist. I make a point to exercise – especially when I just don’t feel like it. I force myself to go out to socialize or run errands, even though it’s the very last thing I feel like doing. I go to sleep and get up at a consistent time, no matter how much I want to just stay in bed.
I also get out for walks as often I can during these dreary months. Of course, when it’s raining nonstop, snowing or simply cloudy, that’s not nearly as effective a treatment as I wish. I’m already planning a few fall and winter trips to sunnier, warmer places to offset the effects of this season.
It’s not surprising that I first started to experience SAD when I moved north to Maryland from sunny Florida. Fall and winter used to be my favorite months – until my mother moved us to Maryland when I was 11. That’s when I first experienced clinical depression… a diagnosis I felt for many years was wrong. After all, I had been uprooted from all I knew and loved, taken away from my family, and moved to the armpit of Maryland just at the time I reached puberty. Of course I was unhappy. But, reflecting back, that was my first experience with SAD.
I was raised with plenty of sunshine and warmth all year-round, and my body and psyche simply went into withdrawal when it suddenly disappeared. Later, when I moved back to Florida to live with my dad, I began to suffer from the other type of seasonal affective disorder, summer depression, which affects those who live in warmer climates and have to face the unrelenting, sweltering high heat and humidity. We didn’t have air conditioning and we lived in Florida on the second floor of an apartment building with lots of windows. It was routinely in the 90’s or 100’s through the night. Need I say more?
For now, I know I simply have to buckle up and persevere. I remind myself that I made it through last year, and it WILL get better. It always does. As with all things, this too shall pass. It’s just going to be a lot of lifeless months before it does.
