No matter who the addict in your life is – parent, partner, sibling, child, friend – I’m sure you’ve heard that ubiquitous phrase: One Day At A Time. And for good reason. No matter how much an addict wants to promise they will never drink or use again, they can’t. For them, each day is a new challenge – and a new choice. And for those who manage to stay sober, a new blessing.
Having dealt with a number of addicts that I loved – most of whom I, ultimately, lost – when I last realized I was dealing with an addict in a relationship, I was finally prepared. No enabling. No ultimatums about them – only the truth about ME. I will not be a part of your addiction. I will not be a victim of your addiction. I will not be involved with you while you feed your addiction. You choose for yourself.
Watching someone truly live one day at a time can be an unexpected blessing. Because someone you care about is living each day for itself, as a fresh start, in a sense so are you. They can only be sober today. Tomorrow the same fight will face them. And sometimes they will lose. But then there comes another day when they can choose sobriety again.
You are left having only one alternative if you want a healthy relationship with an addict. YOU have to live one day at a time as well. You can’t obsess over the wrong decisions they made in the past, because it’s counterproductive. You can’t spend every moment worrying about when the next time they fall off the wagon will be. You have to live each sober day with them as it comes and appreciate it for what it is. And that forces you to practice mindfulness. Which, if you embrace it, has some incredible benefits. The focus is on NOW and not THEN. You find yourself stopping to notice small gestures and individual moments that you might have missed before. Each individual moment of life has more meaning.
The truth is we have all made mistakes – and staying focused on the errors of the past simply traps us there. None of us truly know what tomorrow will bring. Curveballs abound in life. Accidents and catastrophes happen. The best we can do is create a disaster plan – and then focus on enjoying every moment we have. Just as recovering addicts must do – for the rest of their lives.
Of course, this is all easier said than done – both for the addicts and for those of us who love them. The past can haunt us both. And fear of reliving that past can be a heavy burden for everyone involved. So each day, we must try once again to accept the gift of a new opportunity and live in it, one day at a time.
