I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor have I ever played one on TV. I do, however, consider myself an expert on Monsters. I live with so many personal demons that I often lose count. Some come from parental abuse and neglect. Some from childhood sexual abuse. Others from living with parents, friends, and partners who are alcoholics and addicts. Still more from enduring – and escaping – abusive relationships. And, of course, good old heredity and environment add to the mix.
My catalog of mental disorders reads like a grocery list. At various times I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), major depression, cyclothymia, bipolar disorder II, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and complex post-traumatic stress syndrome (CPTSD). I’ve had to face my many individual devils, fight the fiends that plague me, and find a way to live with each and every one of them. The damage is already done and can never be undone… but I have learned for the most part to make peace with myself and my skeletons and to thrive despite the scars that I bear.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not fixed, or healed, or cured. These things don’t simply go away. But they do go dormant. Sometimes, for long periods, they simply stay silent and let me manage my own life. Sometimes, I feel fine. Almost as if I was actually in control. But then I turn a corner and find one of these beasts still lurking. Or wake to find that some creature seems to have taken over my emotions, pressing down on me or winding me up or simply egging me on to my own detriment. Filling me with feelings of pain and anger and angst that I know make no logical sense, but are nevertheless completely and totally real – and so overwhelming that I can’t seem to breathe.
But I do keep breathing. And I keep fighting. And I stay so achingly aware of all the hurt and scared and angry Monsters within – even when they lie safely sleeping. I recognize and coexist with my denizens – and I do my utmost to ameliorate their impact on myself and those around me. My truest weapon is my own sheer determination to regain control each and every time. This is MY life. And I plan to keep living and enjoying it, devils – and black eyes – be damned.